my blog will make you happy
Everyone has been so supportive of the Just Paint Project since its start in February so I wanted to do a little something to give back.
What You’ll Get:
- Paradise Fears “A Musical Group” t-shirt (winner will specify size)
- Paradise Fears warrior heart dogtag in your choice of gold or silver
- Must be following this blog and the JPP twitter
- Reblog as many times as you want
- Likes count
- No giveaway blogs please!
- Deadline is January 1st at 10:00pm EST! I’ll pick the winner using random.org and message them the next day. (Ask box must be open.)
- The winner will have 48 hours to respond to my message, otherwise I’ll pick another winner.
- Make sure you’re comfortable with giving me your address so I can send you everything.
Get the gift of Paradise Fears this holiday season! :D
To scared to close my eyes, was this our last goodbye?
My stomach turns just even typing these words out. The date was July 28th, 2010 when I saw a girl for the first time that changed my life forever. She just stood there on a balcony looking down at a crowd of thousands. And there I was, just lost in the mix of lives going with the motions of each minute. I had never seen anything like her in my existence. Its crazy how one moment in time of just learning someones name can change you forever. One little minute of introduction and just like that, you’re vulnerable. Its scary really. I found myself soon caught up in this girl. I would have done anything for her. I changed my ways for her, we did everything together, we went everywhere together. She grew close with my family, like i grew close with hers. I could never imagine my life without her. I just wanted to keep knowing more and more about her. I wanted her to know everything about me. We looked at being in love differently from everyone else, we wanted to stand for something. She was what I wanted to build my life around, it felt like even when we hated each other I was falling more in love with her.
I have made my share of mistakes, and when all was said and done I questioned if i was even capable of loving someone. I thought i had my ending. I had her in my arms, and would sing her words about the way i felt at night. A feeling some could only dream of feeling. I would rub her back as she would fall asleep, I would keep her warm at night when our heater wasn’t working, I would take her to my favorite places, and tell her the most personal things about myself. I thought I knew how to “truly” love someone. I thought that I could never hurt a girl like this. But I did, as she hurt me too. I know what an outside perspective could say, and its like “well, sometimes thats what lovers do.They hurt eachother. It doesn’t mean you dont love eachother.” but I can assure you all that you could never even begin to comprehend the way we felt for eachother. You could never even imagine how much hurt two people could put eachother through. I couldn’t tell you why I stuck around as long as I did. Im sure she could say the same.
At the end of it all here i lay trying to put everything in perspective for myself. I guess that’s the most fucked up part about caring or loving someone, It seems like you both could put in everything you have but if both of your hearts arent in the same place you will fall far, and you will not be caught. You will keep falling. Until you can get your shit together, and piece yourself back together and understand that just because the way you loved someone wasn’t enough for them,doesn’t mean you’re not capable of something beautiful. All while I questioned that for the past six months I have realized that I’m better alone. Even on nights where I just want to hold her and never let her go, I know that her memory is all that will remain. And that’s the best way it could be. You’re wrong if you’re thinking That every time i smell a perfume she used to wear on a stranger in a mall or grocery store that that I don’t think of her. Every day is a constant battle with fighting off her ghosts. She is still all around me. when I go for walks, I see her walking beside me. When I sit at our old spots I cant help but imagine her there waiting for me, its not fucked up. This is moving on from something I started but could not finish. Something that I put all 23 years of myself into 3 years of being in love.
I can assure you that as we all have our ways of coping, these are things that we all experience in our lifetime. 2 good hearted people took part in destroying something beautiful. Destroying each other. Over the course of this year I have been taking the time to get over this girl and move on with my life. In the process I have questioned my sanity, I have questioned myself and ability to care about something, and my outlook on life. But I know that I’m going to be okay. The only thing that I just cant accept is the now hatred that we both have for each other. I never meant for any of this to happen. I’ve been thinking lately about the day we met, the day my life truly felt like it began, and then how quickly things can change. we grew together and then grew apart from each other. I have my days where I think about everything that’s happened and I tell myself I hate her. I’m sure she is out there somewhere doing the same thing.
All we can do is keep trying. All you can do is forgive someone for hurting you because in some way whether you know it or not, you have hurt them too. I’m more careful now. At the same time, I do not ever want to hold back with anyone. Its kind of caused this war in my head because while one day will be a good one and I feel good about everything, the next one will just weigh down on me. I am in no way shape or form asking for anyone’s sympathy by writing any of this down. This is no different then writing songs about her. I feel as though i have finally been able to not have to hold back. I finally feel like I can open my mind up to it all and get personal. For the first time in forever I have something I’m inspired by. I’m a long shot away from feeling the way I felt 4 years ago, before I knew her name. I may never get back to feeling like that person ever again. I might have just met her for the reason that I needed to change, I needed to realize everything I realize now. Whatever the reasons are why I fell in love with this girl, I can rest assure that I have tried to love someone and someone has tried to love me. I have kissed and laughed and talked deeply with a girl I thought the world of. Sometimes I made her cry, Sometimes I made her scream. It may have taken a long time for me to figure out, and even though I’m still a long ways away from understanding it all I can say that one day I will be able to be something amazing for someone, and it wont be her. Like I have said, I’m not at all looking for any sympathy. This year has been a lot of change for me and this past month has been the first moments i have had any time to myself to process anything that has happened.
I’m grateful for all of you. From everyone that has backed Stay Seventeen for the 8 months we have been a band, To my 3 brothers in my band, to Sam for being like a little sister to me and making me understand that I have a lot of love to give, and to Mom and Dad for still loving each other and for being so supportive and never giving up on me following my dreams. I want to let anyone reading this know that when you “love” someone, don’t just tell them you love them on your good days. Love them every second you both exist. When you hug them hug them like you’re never going to see them again. Don’t ever waste a moment. The most beautiful moments are the ones most of us don’t realize that we may not have for much longer. Like when you are with a friend or a lover and you’re laughing about something only the two of you could understand. Don’t ever waste a moment, because one day you could be holding someone you love and then the next minute you could be traveling 300 miles back home and never see them again.
I love you to the stars and back